A Dark And Quiet Room

So, here we are in 2012. Weird. Just eleven days ago it was 2011.

I’ve been making various promises here on my blog, and I don’t really think I’ve kept any of them. Go figure. And I think I’m figuring out why.

Crystal has been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, which surprises no one. Of course, she did the standard thing and did some research. As she did her reading, she comes to the conclusion that I’m probably struggling with adrenal fatigue as well.

I won’t lie; the last couple of years have been pretty rough. So it really shouldn’t surprise me that I am tired and worn out. And that’s really what adrenal fatigue means: you’re long-term tired, long-term worn out, long-term exhausted.

And it’s shown. The things that I’ve often delighted in (like, say, roleplaying games and game design) have lost their savor. Instead of being sources of delight, they have simply become too exhausting to do. There was a stretch that reading anything longer than a blog post was simply too much work. I’ve been irritable, tired, and depressed. It’s true!

Oh yeah, and I haven’t really been blogging here, either. Now you know why.

But I feel like the storm has passed, and times are changing. As a result, I think I know what God is calling me and mine to do during 2012.

Rest.

So, at the point in the year where everyone is gearing up for new projects, I’m trying to stop doing as much as possible. I’m trying to refuse responsibility, not take on new ones. I didn’t realize until now that I can be a workaholic. It’s not about physical work, necessarily, but mental work. I feel the need to be doing all the time. Now, I get to learn to stop, to step back, to let others do instead.

This is actually kinda hard for me to do. But, through various means, God has made it quite clear that now is the time to rest and stop. No fair trying to sneak in “just one small project”. No. Put it down.

So, for the next six months, I’m eschewing sugar, alcohol, coffee…you know, all the fun stuff. I’m trying to get good sleep. I’m trying to eat well. I’m trying to do fun things that aren’t difficult. Around July I’m going to consider the possible necessity of jumpstarting my creative life, but I’m letting it lie fallow as well. So, boardgaming is good, but publishing another game (right now) is not. On the other hand, the game of One Ring that Ralph is running is due to start this Friday. I’m really looking forward to it, in part because I won’t be running. Again, fun things that aren’t difficult. God willing, I’ll GM again. But right now, it’s time to let another.

And I’m going to work on spending time with friends.

There will be time again in the future to pick up projects and do assail high mountains (metaphorically) and the like, but for now, it’s time to stop.

So, please bear with me as I do.

So, Arianna took a bit of a tumble yesterday at church and hurt her foot. It wasn’t getting better, so I took her to the doctor. Yep, it’s a break. Yay.

We’ll be taking her to an orthopedic doctor Real Soon Now, as soon as we get our referral, which should be tomorrow.

Another rite of passage for us all.

Coming to you, live from my iPhone, it’s a quick blog thought!

In times past, the transcendence of God has been a major theme of the Church. God is high and lifted up above us. And, hey, that’s certainly true. Increasingly, though, I see God’s immanence being the theme of modern Christianity. And I think this is a good thing. In our day, we are tired and lonely and broken and scattered. So often, we feel so far from those with whom we feel we should be close. The pace of modern life makes it easy to lose those vital connections. Unless we are vigilant, we can find ourselves split from the herd, left alone to face the cold, the dark, the slowly growing certainty that our lives are a waste, the gnawing doubt that questions the value of our own existences.

Loneliness is our epidemic.

Is it any wonder then that the nearness of God is so precious in these lonely, scattered days?

A few weeks ago, I finally watched The Mission. Yep, my parents told me years ago that I’d like this movie, and they were right. Though, in a way, I feel like I needed to be at this place in my life to truly appreciate the power of this film.

So, spoilers, right? But, given that the movie came out in 1986, well, you should just deal, you know?

The two main characters are Father Gabriel, a Jesuit missionary to the primitives of South America, and Rodrigo, a mercenary/slaver turned Jesuit novice. (As an aside, seeing Rodrigo’s conversion experience is a big deal in the movie and a major part of the film.)

Politics has moved against the mission to the Indians headed up by Father Gabriel, and soldiers are coming to “liquidate” the mission. Rodridgo sees the injustice and renounces his vows of obedience to take up the sword once again to defend the Indians. This brings him into conflict with Father Gabriel, who is a pacifist.

One of the many powerful scenes of the movie is set on the eve of battle. The soldiers will arrive the next day, and Rodrigo comes to Father Gabriel to seek his blessing. Now, you need to understand that Gabriel and Rodrigo have argued bitterly over this issue, and we know what Father Gabriel thinks of what Rodrigo is doing.

And yet, Rodrigo seeks Gabriel’s blessing.

And here, Father Gabriel demonstrates his wisdom.

He rises and refuses to bless Rodrigo. His conscience will not permit it. And yet, he tells Rodrigo that, if he is in the right, that God will bless Rodrigo.

Did you catch that?

On the eve of battle, on the last night of their lives, Gabriel stands by his pacifism, but he is still humble enough to admit that he may be wrong and appeals to God on behalf of Rodrigo. That night, they part as friends. Their disagreement is not enough to divide them. They each go their own ways to their own methods of resistance (and they both die), yet they die reconciled and at peace with each other.

I wish that more Christians would comprehend and embrace this understanding of Christian brotherhood.

O Sun of Righteousness,
The lifter of my head and lover of my soul,
Shine on me today through the shadows that surround me,
That I may come, in the end, to see Your deliverance.
Amen.

I got lost in the woods today.

The fact that I’m typing this from the comfort of my office should let you know that this story has a happy ending.

The day got off to a stumbling start. Nothing really bad happened, you understand. It was just not coming together well. I was feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed by the work in front of me. Then I blinked, and it was lunchtime.

So, I decided to go for a walk.

My workplace is embedded in the Forest Park Nature Preserve. We are surrounded by beautiful woods, traversed by twisting trails. So, I put my new earbuds in, started up some music, and headed out.

I started out following a trail that I knew, but when I came to a fork, I decided to take the right-hand path, which I hadn’t walked before. But, really, what could go wrong? As long as I stayed on the path and walked carefully, the trail would bring me back home.

And so I kept walking. And walking. And walking. It was beautiful. The leaves are changing colors and beginning to fall to the ground, and the rain pattered gently on me as I kept moving. I still wasn’t concerned. All I had to do was stay on the path and walk carefully.

And so I kept walking. I climbed a hillside on wooden stairs and walked along a ridge line. The path twisted and turned and grew rough with exposed roots. Some places I had to watch carefully, because the path was almost obscured by leaves and debris, making it hard to determine where the path had gone. And I began to grow a little concerned that, maybe, I was lost.

By this point, it was too late to retrace my steps. Going back wasn’t any better. Really, the best, safest, and most sensible approach was to push ahead. All I had to do was stay on the path and walk carefully, and the trail would bring me back home.

And so I kept walking. But I was smiling and even laughing a bit to myself. Because I understood what was going on, and it pleased me. I embraced the metaphor that was being handed to me and lived in the moment.

I’m back. All is well, though I was gone longer than I had originally planned. And I get it now. In this moment, at least, it’s all so clear.

Stay on the path.

Walk carefully.

Trust the trail.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

I’m posting from my iPhone! Why? Mostly because I can.

That being said, I’m rolling around some thoughts involving this blog, among other things, so this is a useful test.

Well, to me, at any rate.

“Not all companies deserve to last. Perhaps society is better off getting rid of organizations that have fallen from great to terrible rather than continuing to let them inflict their massive inadequacies on their stakeholders. Institutional self-perpetuation holds no legitimate place in a world of scarce resources; institutional mediocrity should be terminated, or transformed into excellence….The point of the struggle is not just to survive, but to build an enterprise that makes such a distinctive impact on the world it touches, and does so with such superior performance, that it would leave a gaping hole–a hole that could not be easily filled by any other institution–if it ceased to exist.”

–Jim Collins, How the Mighty Fall, p. 111-112

I went for a walk earlier today.

Yeah, that’s the kind of gripping social commentary that you’ve come to expect from this blog. But, hang on a moment and let me explain.

Work has been hectic recently, and today was no exception. Wall-to-wall meetings, a fairly important presentation, and a high intensity level left me feeling tired around 3:30. Don’t get me wrong; it’s been a good day. But, I don’t do well being on a constant adrenaline rush. I need time for calm, for peace, to embrace silence.

Which is why I went for a walk.

Now, you need to understand that I have a hard time getting my brain to stop thinking. There’s a constant stream of thinking, mulling, or analyzing running in my head. I can’t stop it. Often, I’ll use that tendency to poke at game design or the book I’m reading or something like that. However, I haven’t really had a lot of energy to go into those things, so, when my brain goes to chew on something, it chews on…work.

That’s no good for someone who is trying to balance his life.

But today I realized, as I was walking, that I had actually managed to slow my mind. I think that it may have been the fact that I was playing music. But, as I walked through the woods around my workplace, I found myself able to simply walk, to live in the moment.

It was good for me, and I returned to the office refreshed.

Zen has the practice of walking meditation, of learning to “just walk”. I think that this bears further investigation. Right now, I need to be able to produce high levels of energy for extended periods of time in order to bring my A-game at work. But I also need to seek those moments of solitude and silence, where I can simply rest and be renewed.

Also, I think I need better earbuds.

“You can be profitable and bankrupt. The idea had never occurred to most students who’d worked in big companies. In the entrepreneurial phase, leader struggle just to get enough cash to become self-sustaining, but as an organization becomes big and successful, cash consciousness atrophies. Leaders in successful companies worry more about earning. But organizations do not die from lack of earnings. They die from lack of cash.”

–Jim Collins, How the Mighty Fall, p. 104

Tonight we gathered for a meal and then a prayer service at Imago Dei Church.[1] The meal was a typical potluck meal, which worked out quite well. And then, we all headed off to the chapel for prayer. We were all a little late, but whatever, right? We were going to have our prayer service.

Except we couldn’t. Because it was occupied.

Looking in the windows in the doors, we could see two members of the Imago prayer team praying with someone.

So they moved the prayer service. You know, because the chapel was being used to pray.

It turns out that the man they were praying with lives across the street from the church. In fact, Crystal actually saw him this morning when she was at the church for Bible study and prayed for him. Apparently his need drove him to come seek help. And he found love and care, and he was ushered into the presence of the Father in prayer.

That’s tremendous. That’s wonderful. That’s a worthy reason to move the prayer service.

And it made me glad to be part of a church that has been positioned to be able to be available to the lost and needy, like our neighbor.

[1]Hi, SEO guys! How’s it going?

Over the years of conducting my research, I’ve been a leadership skeptic, influenced by the evidence that complex organizations achieve greatness through the efforts of more than one exceptional individual. The best leaders we’ve studied had a peculiar genius for seeing themselves as not all that important, recognizing the need to build an executive team and to craft a culture based on core values that do not depend upon a single heroic leader. But in cases of decline, we find a more pronounced role for the powerful individual, and not for the better. So, even though I remain a leadership skeptic, the evidence leads me to this sobering conclusion: while no leader can single-handedly build an enduring great company, the wrong leader vested with power can almost single-handedly bring a company down.

Choose well.

–Jim Collins, How the Mighty Fall, p.61-62

Rewind to 2001. I’m just getting into the small press roleplaying field. I’m hanging out on places like RPG.net and the Gaming Outpost. And, one night, I find myself in an IRC chat channel related to RPG.net talking to a guy named Jason Blair. Jason Blair is writing a horror RPG starring children called Little Fears. I want to know why. Really. What sicko wants to write a game about children being threatened by monsters?

And he answered me. He told me about how the monsters were metaphors for various forms of child abuse. He tells me that he wants to educate, to bring awareness. He tells me that he wants a game about children fighting back. (At least, this is how I remember the conversation. As I say, it’s been a while.)

What can I say? He sold me.

I encouraged him to include a disclaimer. I wrote an example right there in chat. Jason turned around and used what I wrote in the front of his book.

I was in.

I went on to write the opening fiction for the game and to provide editing services. Jason and I went on to become friends. Little Fears went on to be nominated for the Origins Award. The rest is history.

Yes, I remember the controversy over the game. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who questioned the moral rectitude of someone who would make a game about child abuse. But I was proud of my work on Little Fears. Before Dirty Secrets or A Flower for Mara, Little Fears was a game about issues. And I knew that I wanted more.

It’s been ten years since Little Fears was released. Life has changed a lot for both Jason and I. But, it’s fair to say that we’re both still proud of the work that we did on Little Fears. So, when I heard that Jason was putting out a tenth anniversary edition of Little Fears, I was pretty stoked.

And then, a complimentary copy of Happy Birthday, Little Fears showed up in my inbox. Because Jason is a class act.

So, if you’re interested in a piece of gaming history, check out Happy Birthday, Little Fears. If you’re not afraid of the dark….

Gerald Cameron is looking for editorial work:

I’m looking for (paying) editing work.

For now, I’m only looking for one project and then, depending on how other current work goes and how large the project I pick up ends up being, I may look for more work in a few weeks.

I do developmental/content editing and copyediting and I’m interested in projects where I do either or both.

Currently I have two editing credits, both on roleplaying game products: Dirty Secrets by Dark Omen Games and Worldbreakers: Etherkai by Omnivangelist Media. I am also in the process of editing future Omnivangelist Media products, including future Worldbreakers products. As you can see, my expertise is primarily RPGs, but I’m not limiting myself to them.

As a developmental editor, my philosophy leans strongly towards a belief in quality work with a strong bias towards useability/user-centred focus. To that end, I give a lot of attention to organization, clarity and making the implicit explicit. Also, examples are a good thing.

If you are interested in my services, please contact me via e-mail or private message. Anyone making a proposal in comments will automatically be rejected, even if it means I do not pick up any work. I’ll be choosing a project based on personal interest and ability to fit it into my schedule (and the ability to negotiate a fair rate for my work).

Thanks for your interest.

In addition to the games mentioned, Gerald edited A Flower for Mara but wasn’t credited due to an oversight on my part. Bad Seth! No biscuit!

As I said on the Google+ post, Gerald has been professional and prompt, even under the ridiculous deadlines that I’ve asked of him. I plan on working with Gerald again when I’m ready to get Showdown up and running, and I recommend him to anyone seeking a quality editor. You can contact him at linnaeus@gmail.com.

I was talking to my father yesterday about my ambitions. I’ve realized that my ambitions have changed.

Once, I would have wanted to write a book or plant a church or build something great to change the world. Or, maybe, I would make some amazing principled stand, like Martin Luther, that would go down in history.

But no more. My ambitions are much smaller now.

I’d like to sit on my porch with a beer and watch my neighbors walking by and be able to greet them by name, because I know them, and they know me.

That’s it, really. That’s my ambition right now. But, as I sit on my porch right now and write, I find that I’m already on my way towards that ambition. I’m starting to know my neighbors, and they’re starting to know me.

And, honestly, I do think that, somehow, God uses such small ambitions to change the world.