A Dark And Quiet Room

written by 7/30/2002

Well, it is once again time for the weekly journal. Unfortunately I don’t really have something obvious to write about. Most of last week was spent in a state of fatigue. Even though I was back at work on Tuesday, I don’t think that I really recovered until Saturday, when my wife let me sleep in *very* late. So I think that I’ll just ramble for a while and see what comes out. It’s not quite stream of consciousness, but it’ll be close. Call it my reflections on the past week.

***

We got a dog last week. A coworker’s dog had puppies, and so we bought one. Actually I hadn’t been expecting her to come home until later. Crystal and Arianna had gone over to visit the puppy and ended up coming home with her. Sigh.

You need to understand that I don’t like dogs very much. No, that’s not fair to dogs. I don’t like animals in general. And I have a number of very good reasons. Well, I happen to think that they’re good reasons. I don’t trust them. They chew up stuff and bite people for no apparent reason. They relieve themselves when they feel like it and where they happen to be. In my mind, having a dog is like having a toddler that doesn’t wear diapers, except that it’ll never grow up.

Did I mention that the puppy gnaws on my toes? I HATE that.

So, if I’m so anti-dog, how did I end up with a dog in my house?

Because I love my wife. She thinks that having a dog will be a comfort to her, especially now that we have moved. And I think that she is probably right. Already she says that having the puppy around has helped. I don’t like it, but it is helping Crystal. Besides, we have a deal. She cleans up after the puppy until she is housebroken. That helps *me* a lot. And I named the dog. Her name is Arwen. Named after Arwen Undomiel, a character from “Lord of the Rings�:

“Arwen, daughter of Elrond, in whom it was said that the likeness of Luthien had come on earth again; and she was called Undomiel, for she was the Evenstar of her people.�

I love “Lord of the Rings�. My mother hooked me on the books when I was ten or so, and I have loved them more deeply every time that I have read them. Of course, being the terrible melancholic
that I am, one of themes of “Lord of the Rings� that grabs me is the theme of passing beauty. There is so much in the world of Middle-earth that is beautiful or wondrous that is doomed to fade. The
Elves are no exception. They know that by sending the One Ring to the Fire, they are condemning themselves to exile from Middle-earth and the destruction of all their works of beauty. Their time is
passing. And so we have Arwen, the last glimmer of beauty before nightfall. The last gift of a dying race to a world that will forget them.

Arwen, the Evenstar.

That’s SUCH a better name than Fluffy.

***

Crystal and I went storm-chasing late Friday night. We had been out to rent a couple of movies and saw lightning to the south and west. After watching “Get Shorty�, we saw that there was still lightning outside the windows. So we left our children in Gabrielle’s care and drove out into the countryside, looking for an open field. Not too difficult in Illinois.

It was almost frightening. The horizon stretched across my entire field of vision, and everywhere lightning crackled. Sometimes streaks would dash from the clouds and blaze on the ground. Other times it danced among the clouds, rippling in a blazing spiderweb of light. Crystal was enthralled. She has always loved watching storms, and that night she probably got the best show of her life. It made her day.

***

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will attain to the grand old age of twenty-five. Or so my wife tells me. I don’t happen to think that twenty-five is all that old. Then she goes on to point out how that’s one-quarter of a century. My goodness, you’d think that I was ready to keel over right this instance. I will be curious to see how I handle this. Birthdays are a big occasion in my family. We throw large birthday parties and generally make a big fuss. Of course, with the move, my wife threw my actual birthday party early, as you may recall from my first journal entry. I’m looking at my swords even as I write this, and I really can’t think of anything that I would have rather received.

But, because I’ve already had my party, we’re not throwing a big bash tomorrow. We *are* going to go out to eat at the Chinese buffet, though, and Crystal has a small present for me. That will be good.

Still, I know that I’m going to miss my family.

My mom has sent me two birthday cards already. Both were fairly silly, and the second seems like an impulse purchase. I can’t really explain either of them without showing you. Suffice it to say that they both fit my sense of humor perfectly. A little weird, a little twisted, just a bit crazy. But I know that it’s partly because she misses me.

This will be the first birthday that I’ve been away from home.

You know, as I sit here writing about all this, I’m really finding myself appreciating my wife. She knew that I’d be dealing with this. She knew, and that’s why she went through all the hassle and work and struggle of throwing me a surprise party back in May. She knew that it would help, and it does. It hurts a little less.

I’m sure that this is all part of the process of letting go, but I know that I don’t like it.

My father’s birthday is January 28. This past January, I already knew that there was the possibility that we would be moving. This year his birthday fell on a Monday, which was going to be a school night. Originally I had planned on attending school and missing the party. Then the thought wandered through my head. “This could be the last time you get to go to his birthday party.� So I went, and I’m glad that I did. Next January, I’ll be here, and he’ll be back in Erie.

I think that I’m going to talk about something else now.

***
I wish that I could report incredible progress on COBOL, but I can’t. Being ill and exhausted shot most of last week, and even after spending three hours on Saturday, it didn’t feel like I had made
all that much of a dent in the work. Oh well. There’s still the rest of this week, and Saturday is still available. Still, I wish that I didn’t have to be doing this. There are enough other crises going on right
now. My family needs me, and once again I feel like I’m being pulled away by school.

***

Something that I’m still getting used to at my new job is the faster pace. No, “faster” is the wrong word. Maybe “steadier” is a better word. Or maybe “absorbingâ€?. At my old job, there were lots of tasks that I had to do that I could do on auto-pilot. Part of my mind was doing the job, and another part was thinking about something else. I could brainstorm ideas for roleplaying or think about school projects or do game design stuff. Now I’m doing well if I get a few minutes to read, let alone think. I’m sure that some of this will change as I get a feel for the pace of the work and as I settle into normal work (once my internship is finished). But some of it is just a change of job. I’ll just have to get used to it.

Still I’ve managed to get some reading done. Since arriving here in Peoria, I’ve read the collected Dying Earth stories by Jack Vance, “On Writing” by Stephen King (a book that I would recommend to any budding writer), “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert Pirsig (second time), a few SF novellas in an anthology that I own (one by Vance, one by Cordwainer Smith, and one by Gene Wolfe, who is a personal favorite of mine), “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” (a series that has become more interesting as it grows up), and now I am reading “Watership Down”. Everyone who has read “Watership Down” has given it rave reviews, so I am continuing to read it. Truth be told, I found it rather slow starting. However, I did start it last week, and my fatigue could have played into that impression quite a bit. It does seem to be getting better, too.

Maybe it was just me.

***

Normally I wouldn’t go on and on about all the movies that I’ve seen and what I thought. However, there’s some significance to this one. A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I went to see “The Road to Perdition”…at the movie theater. That’s right; I know where the theater is now. I doubt that I’ll be able to afford another visit until December, but it is psychologically helpful to know where it is, at least.
Oh yes. “The Road to Perdition” was quite good, if you like that sort of movie.

(Why December? Because that’s when “The Two Towers” comes out, of course!)

***

Part of the reason that I’m so annoyed with COBOL is that I want to get back into writing. I have several unfinished projects that I want to complete. One is the roleplaying game that I’m working on. Additionally, I have a couple of stories in my head. The first is still just a seed concept, so I’m not going to tell you about it. (Can’t give away the surprise.) The other, though, is the continuation of a previous story set that I had begun. The first story of the set was one that I had written for the Little Fears roleplaying game. (I included it at the bottom.) The second story was a sequel story but written in the third person. (If you’re interested in seeing it, let me know. It’s pretty heavy, which is why I haven’t included it.) However, Jason Blair (the designer for Little Fears) was wanting a different sequel story and then
the line went in different directions and so on and so on. And somewhere along the line, I lost track of Jenna.

And I don’t want to do that.

Jenna was based on a composite of people whom I know personally. Bunny is actually a stuffed animal owned for many years by my own daughter. (We don’t know where he is now. Maybe the Closet Monster got him?) I was writing for those people. I wanted to give them a voice. So often we hear about the horror of child abuse in abstract terms. I know things that would make your hair stand on end to hear it. I have heard of such horrible things happening to people that I know that it makes me want to cry or scream or do something.

The truth is much worse.

And because you’re here, you get to be treated to one of my periodic rants.

They say, “Never read your reviews.” Amen. When Little Fears was released, it immediately became incredibly controversial, and my story was one of the reasons. It has been called:

—one of the best pieces of game fiction ever
—a worthless piece of drivel
—the product of a sick and deranged mind

and just about everything else in between. Certainly, some of the criticism was apt. I definitely have to work on presentation of first-person narratives (not one of my strong suits). However, this isn’t
what got me so angry.

There were those who thought that the story was unrealistic. There were people who thought that such things don’t really happen. I was accused of painting too extreme a picture.

Oh really?

I know someone whose stepmother had put padlocks on all the cupboards and on all the drawers in the refrigerator so that he couldn’t get to the food. This assumes, of course, that she had left the front
door unlocked so that he could get into the house. I know someone who spent all day preparing a birthday party for her father, only to find that he never came home. He was out getting drunk…again.
I know someone who fled her home, bruised and bleeding, because her father tried to choke her. At one point she grabbed a kitchen knife and held it behind her back, wondering if she would need to
save herself by killing her raging father.

And those are just the people that I know personally. That doesn’t include the stories that I’ve heard about friends of friends. Those stories are worse. Much worse.

Exaggerating the truth? Making it up? I sugar-coated the truth and they still couldn’t handle it. How could they be so blind?

So I want to write my story cycle. I think that I’m going to rewrite the first story. I think that I’ll do a better job if I write it in third person and it will maintain consistency with the other
stories. Also, that way I can remove some of the more obvious references to the roleplaying game. I want to tell the story of Jenna, a little girl pushed to the edge of suicide. I want to show how she is
driven to that point, and I want to show how she is saved. And I think that, in the end, she can save someone else. In the end, she sees a purpose to all of her pain. It will be a dark story but a story shot
through with beams of brilliant light. I think that it will be good.

But right now, all I have time to do is COBOL. ARGH!

The creative side of me doesn’t get much satisfaction from COBOL.

Oh well. Once I get it done, it will be finished forever. Then I can move on to something else.

***

Time for bed. I know that I am still tired from last week, and I need my sleep. I feel like I’m several weeks short on sleep, actually. I wish that there were some way to catch up. Too much to do, not enough time.

So that’s all for this week. Nothing really organized, probably nothing particularly profound. Just the everyday jumble of times and events, running together and swirling in the mind.

Probably a lot like your week.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Wow! I’ve never had a diary before. This is pretty neat! Can I call you Sarah? I’ve always wanted a friend named Sarah. Let’s see. I should tell you my name, too. My name is Jenna, and this is my friend Bunny. Today is my birthday! Let me tell you about it.

Daddy came home drunk today, so I made myself a birthday party. Bunny and I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the kitchen. I wore a party hat, but Bunny told me he didn’t want to. Then we got out the ice cream and made a little ice cream cake in a bowl. Bunny put a candle in it and we both sang “Happy Birthday�. I think that Bunny sang too loud, because Daddy yelled at us to Shut Up. I don’t like when he’s drunk. He never used to get drunk when Mommy was still alive, but when she died, he’s been getting drunk a lot. A lot of times I’m at home all by myself. Well, except for Bunny. He takes care of me. And now I have you, Sarah! I’m so happy that you will be my friend.

Love,
Jenna

******

Dear Sarah,
Something really spooky happened last night. I was lying in bed with Bunny trying to go to sleep. Daddy still hadn’t come home yet. Suddenly I heard someone calling my name! It wasn’t a very nice voice, though. It was all evil and dead. It gave me chills just hearing it. I got so scared, I hid under the covers and started yelling at it to go away. Then it started laughing at me. I almost had an accident, I was so scared. Then it said to me, “I will destroy you, Jenna.� I just couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed Bunny and ran out of my room. I tried to block my bedroom door with a chair but I don’t know if it worked. I tried to stay up but I fell asleep on the sofa. Daddy didn’t come home all night, but at least Bunny protected me. I’m scared, Sarah. I don’t think that it was just a bad dream. I think that something is living in my closet and it doesn’t like me at all.

******

Dear Sarah,
Today I made a new friend! I was playing outside with Bunny when a girl stopped to talk to me. She was really nice. She said that her name was Jessica and that her family had just moved in to a house down the street. I was so happy! We ran around and played on the swing set behind the school. I’m kinda jealous of her, though. Her mommy and daddy are happy and take good care of her. I wish that my daddy would come home more often and not be drunk all the time. He would know how to take care of that nasty monster in my closet. Bunny says that he will protect me, but he’s kinda small to be fighting a monster. (Don’t tell him I said that. His feelings might get hurt.)

I’m too scared to sleep in my room tonight, because of the monster, so I’m going to get my blanket and sleep on the sofa. Daddy won’t care. I don’t even think that he’s coming home tonight. I’m so glad that I can tell you this, Sarah. You are my closest and bestest friend.

******

Dear Sarah,
I hate my life! I hate it hate it hate it! I’m hiding out here under the slide at the playground so that Daddy and the Monster won’t find me. It’s raining and I’m cold and I’m hungry and I’m scared, but
I’m more scared to go home. They’re at home. If I go home, they’ll get me.

Daddy came home last night with a woman. They were both drunk. He was real mad to see me in the living room. He started yelling about how I always got in the way and how all he wanted was just to get laid (whatever that means) and he couldn’t now, because I was in the living room. He started yelling and screaming and throwing things and I got scared, so I ran into my room and slammed the door. Then I remembered that Bunny was still in the living room. So I decided to sneak out really quiet, so that Daddy wouldn’t see me and be angry. So I tiptoed out of my room and crawled along the floor towards Bunny. Then I saw Daddy and the woman on the sofa. It was pretty yucky. They didn’t have any clothes on and they were touching each other and stuff. Yuck! Then Daddy saw me. He was really mad. He slapped me across the face and yelled at me for being out of my room. Bunny tried to stop him, but that only made him madder. He picked me and Bunny up and threw us into my bedroom. Then he locked me in.

I started crying. Bunny told me that it would be okay, but he had been torn up a bit by Daddy and his stuffing was showing. That only made me cry more. Then I heard a noise behind me. When I turned to look, I started screaming. The Closet Monster was breaking my dollhouse into lots of little pieces! It turned to look at me and smiled. Then it threw one of my dolls at me. It was the mommy doll, with its arms and legs ripped off. Then it said, “I got your mommy, Jenna. I got your daddy. Now I’ll get you.� It picked up the rest of the dollhouse and dragged it back into the closet. Then it said, “I will destroy you, Jenna.� It shut the closet door.

I was so scared that I started crying. I was crying even more when I realized that I had had an accident. Big girls don’t have accidents! I grabbed my blanket and Bunny and I climbed out the window. And that’s why I’m here now, curled up under the slide. I want my Mommy, Sarah! She could fix this. I know she could! Mommy wouldn’t lock me in my bedroom. Mommy loved me. My daddy doesn’t love me. He hits me. I hate him! I hate him I hate him I hate him. But I don’t want to hate him. I just want him to love me and say he’s sorry and give me piggyback rides and make me dinner and tell me stories. Just like he used to. Why did he change, Sarah? Why is he so mean now? Why doesn’t he love me?

I’m so tired, Sarah. So is Bunny. Will you stay awake and make sure that nobody bad hurts us tonight? I’m sorta dry here, under the slide. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can pretend that I’m back in my bedroom, just after Mommy has tucked me into bed and none of this has ever happened.

Will you sing me a lullaby, Sarah?

******

Dear Sarah,
I’m feeling much better today. I’m sleeping over at Jessica’s house tonight. Isn’t that exciting? I’m so happy, I could cry. But I should probably tell you what happened today.

I snuck back into the house this morning. Daddy was still asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up, so I grabbed a sandwich for Bunny and me to share. I decided to go for a walk so that I wouldn’t have to be home when Daddy woke up. He gets these really bad headaches when he’s been drunk, and he gets mad real easy. So anyways, I started walking and when I walked by Jessica’s house, she ran out to see me. She was real upset and told me that I had to come inside and get cleaned up. Jessica’s mommy was upset too. I think that she almost started crying when she saw me. Anyways, they gave me a nice hot bath, which made me feel all nice and clean. My clothes were all dirty, so Jessica let me wear some of hers.

We had so much fun today, Sarah. Jessica and I played dolls in her room all day long. Bunny didn’t want to play, but we dressed him up in baby clothes and made him pretend to be the baby. I think he’s mad at me, but he looked so cute! Then we had pizza for dinner and we all sat around the dining room table, just laughing. Jessica’s mommy and daddy were both there, and they were so happy to have me with them. Even Bunny liked being there, even though he had to dress up in baby clothes. Then Jessica’s mommy said that she talked to my daddy and he said that I could stay here tonight. Jessica was so excited, because that meant that she could stay up late with me and have a sleep-over.

So, we got into our pajamas and started watching a movie. It was kinda scary and I didn’t like it very much. It reminded me of the Monster in my closet. When I told Jessica that I wanted to stop
watching, she turned off the movie right away. She was so nice and friendly that I decided to tell her about the Monster. I felt silly telling her, but she believed me. I was really surprised. Then she told
me about the Monster that lived under her bed for a long time and about Closetland, where big nasty monsters live that sneak out at night and attack children like us. She said that adults couldn’t see
them anymore, because they are too grown-up, and that us kids have to stick together. She said that she had fought off her Monster a long time ago with her glitter baton. Then she said that she’d let me
have it, because she didn’t need it anymore. I was really happy. The glitter baton even glowed special when she held it. Jessica says that it will glow really, really bright if there’s a monster around and
that the light will hurt the eyes of any monster that looks at it. She says that it will keep me safe. I gave her a big hug, and so did Bunny.

I’m so happy that I met Jessica. She’s like the big sister that I never had. She’s so pretty and smart. With this glitter baton, that mean Monster will never bother me again.

******

Dear Sarah,
I’m past crying now, Sarah. I have been crying so long that I feel like I don’t have any tears left. And now I have to go away, and you can’t come with me.

I should probably tell you what happened, huh? That might make more sense to you. Remember how I spent the night at Jessica’s house? And she gave me the glitter baton? I wish that she never had.
I came home so happy, because now I was going to be able to protect myself from the evil Closet Monster. So I waited all day long until it was my bedtime, because I was so excited. I wanted to see the Closet Monster now. I wanted to bop it on the head and yell at it to go away and leave me alone.

When it started getting dark, Bunny got scared. He wanted to stay out in the living room, but I didn’t let him. We needed to outnumber the Closet Monster. So we sat on the bed and waited…and
waited…and waited. I think that Bunny fell asleep for a little bit, actually. Then, all of a sudden, the closet door swung open. I could hear the Closet Monster breathing. Then it said, “I have come for you tonight, Jenna.â€? Then it jumped out of the closet right onto the bed. Bunny screamed and started biting it, and I pulled out the glitter baton and started whacking the Closet Monster as hard as I could. Glittering light shone all through the room as I hit the Monster with the glitter baton. It roared really loud and rolled off the bed. It looked at me and hissed. “Very well, Jenna. You win this round. But I will be back. Remember, I will destroy you.â€? Then it turned and ran back into the closet.

I was so happy that I jumped and skipped around. I had fought off the Closet Monster! Everything would be okay now. But it wasn’t.

This morning I got up and went to tell Jessica the good news. When I got to her house, there was a policeman with Jessica’s mommy and daddy. Jessica’s mommy was crying. During the night, someone slipped into Jessica’s room and did Bad Things to her. I don’t know exactly what, because the policeman didn’t tell me. Jessica was in the hospital. The policeman said that they were still looking for the person who did this to her but they hadn’t found him yet. I started crying. I knew who had done Bad Things to Jessica. The Closet Monster did, and she would be okay if she had kept her glitter baton. Jessica could have fought off the Closet Monster, but I had her glitter baton and so the Closet Monster did Bad Things to her. It’s my fault that Jessica is in the hospital now. I’m so sorry Jessica I’m sorry I’m sorry sorry sorry.

I ran away to the playground and sat under the slide, crying. Then, slowly, I knew what I had to do. The Closet Monster lived in my home, right? Well, what if it came out one night and couldn’t find me? It wouldn’t hurt anybody else because it would be too busy looking for me. All of a sudden, I knew what I need to do. I came home and packed some clothes into my pink backpack. Bunny wasn’t sure that this was a good idea, but he’s coming anyways. But I wanted to talk to you, Sarah, because you have to stay here. I don’t want Jessica and her mommy and daddy to think that I hate them. I don’t even want
Daddy to think that I’m mad at him. So I need you to stay and tell them that I’m running away because I love them all. I don’t want the Closet Monster to get them. He wants me, so let him chase
me. I’m quick. I’ll be able to run very very far, and I’ll have the glitter baton to protect me. I even packed a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so that Bunny and I will be able to eat.

Don’t cry for me, Sarah. It will be better this way. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find a mommy and daddy who love each other very much who will want me to live with them. Maybe the Closet Monster
won’t follow me there and I’ll be able to live happy and peaceful. Wouldn’t that be nice? So don’t cry, Sarah. There’s got to be a nice family like that out there somewhere. I’m bound to find them eventually. Right, Sarah?

Right?