A Dark And Quiet Room

Yesterday, during the sermon, James McDonald discussed a family’s move during last winter. He pointed at it as an example of Christian community, how the church came together to help a family, how it was an encouragement to him.

That was my family.

If you were there for the sermon, you probably knew who he was talking about, but you might not know the whole story. So, for the benefit of my church family, I figured that I would tell our tale.

There’s a lot lying under the surface here which I don’t really feel comfortable laying out in any detail on the Internet. Some of you already know these details, and you understand. For the rest of you, I’ll be addressing a lot of things by implication and suggestion. If you want to ask me, come talk to me, but I won’t be clarifying anything here.
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I’m not really doing most of the work on the house. Brian is. He’s the owner of the house and has a long history of doing this kind of work. He also has all the right tools…well, almost all the tools. He certainly has the skills.

It can be frustrating sometimes, actually. I’m doing some task that Brian has asked me to do, but I’m not doing it nearly as well as he does. Then, when Brian actually does the same thing, he makes it look so easy. My cut lines aren’t as straight as his. The laminate flooring obeys his will, not mine. His nails go in straight, and he doesn’t hit himself with the hammer when they do. It’s discouraging, because I feel like a screw-up who should know better somehow.

Jesus was the only truly successful human being. In particular, He succeeded at being truly human. So often, we say that we’re only human to excuse our sins and failures. “I didn’t really want to do that, but I’m only human.”? But Jesus was “only human”, yet He didn’t fall into sin or folly. He always knew the right thing to do, and then He did it. Just look at how He dealt with the Pharisees. It didn’t matter how much they tried to trap Him; He always saw through it and turned it around on them. He always knew the right thing to say, even when the right thing to say was nothing at all. (John 8:6) And then He had the courage to do it.

Me, I’d be happy if I simply knew the right thing to say. So often I feel like I’m floundering, unsure of what I’m doing. Should I have said more than I did? Did I hold back because I was afraid? Or was I wisely restraining myself?

And then there’s the art of understanding people. I feel like I don’t read people really well, so I don’t know how to interact with them. Am I being too gullible? Am I being too suspicious? Am I being used and don’t know it?

Jesus makes it look so easy. But what about me? Does it ever get easier?

In one of his letters, Paul writes about God’s purpose for His people. “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”? (Romans 8:29) God’s purpose is to make me like Jesus. That includes being wise like Jesus, discerning like Jesus, and courageous like Jesus. That’s all part of the project that He has started in my life.

I’m not really much of a human being. When it comes to living, I really am a screw-up. I hit my thumb when I’m swinging a hammer. I fumble with words because of my confusion. I don’t act because of my fear. But, because of God’s goodness, He’s changing me.

And maybe, one day, it will be easier for me, too.

People ask me how things are going on the new house, and I”m never really sure how to answer them. Sure, over the last week, I”ve helped hang drywall, paint walls and trim, and lay flooring. But when I tour the house, I don”t see any rooms that I could point at and say, “Look! It’s done!” So I struggle a lot with depression. I see all the hustle and bustle of work being done, but is anything really being accomplished? Particularly after a night of painting trim for hours, I feel like I’m spending lots of time but not actually getting anywhere.

My brother has been helping out on Saturdays, and he has a different perspective. Last Saturday, he commented to me that there was a lot that had been done during the week. Since he wasn’t in the middle of the work, he had a better perspective to see what was actually being done.

Also, somewhere in my mind, I know that, very soon, we will do the finishing touches on a number of rooms and suddenly everything will be done. All this apparently futile work will suddenly resolve into a completed house. When it happens, I’ll be totally blind-sided, because I know that I don’t really believe that the work will ever be done.

Your life is like a house being built, and Jesus is the Builder. So often there are times when it feels like there’s all this hustle and bustle in your life, but nothing is happening. You’re still struggling with the same sufferings, failing in the same disciplines, falling for the same sins. And it feels like it will never change.

The Apostle Paul understood this struggle. In one of his letters, he writes of his own wearying struggle against sin:

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7:15-25)

However, in another of his letters, he writes this, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6) Despite all evidence to the contrary, Jesus has not abandoned you. If He started the project, He will finish it.

On one level, the project will not be done until your death, when you are perfected. But even during this life, Jesus hits milestones along the way. One day, you will suddenly realize that you’re not struggling with that suffering anymore, or that you have established that discipline, or that you have overcome that sin. And you’ll be blind-sided, because you didn’t really believe that Jesus was really doing anything at all.

Right now, my family doesn’t really fit well into the house where we are living. The children are all packed into two connected rooms. Arianna needs to go through the boys’ room to get to the space that she shares with Justice. Gabrielle doesn’t even have a room of her own; we’ve hung a curtain in the sunroom, dividing it in two, and called it her room.

Most of our stuff is in storage. Yesterday I wanted to get my hands on a couple of books, but I didn’t even know where to start looking. We are constantly looking for things that we own but are packed away…somewhere.

Noah has suddenly decided to enter “the Terrible Twos”?, which means that he wants his own way, and he wants to touch and destroy everything around him. Although we have tried, we cannot keep him out of Arianna’s room. So he has trashed different things belonging to her, and there doesn’t seem to be anything that we can do to stop him.

Soon, we will be moving. Soon we will be in a house that will better fit our family. Arianna will have a room which can be secured, so that Noah can’t get to her things. Gabrielle will actually have four walls. We will be able to put all the books on bookshelves and not have to wonder if that thing we’re looking for is locked in storage somewhere. It will be so much better than where we are now. But for now, we are in transition.

This world is like a house where we live. But we don’t really fit here. So we struggle with the problems in this world. Things don’t work right. Petty annoyances grate on our nerves. And then there are the big issues. People hate each other. Those we love, die. Those who hate us, prosper.

And then there are our bodies, gradually wearing out, day after day. We can’t walk or think or laugh quite as well as we used to. The light of life grows dim and, one day, will go out.

But Jesus spoke of going away to prepare a place for those whom He loves. “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”? (John 14:1-3) Right now, He is working on the new house, and there will be enough space for all of us. The dining room will fit the entire family, with room for guests. Everyone will have a room with four walls. Nothing will ever break again, be it a doorknob or a computer or a friendship. Everything will work right, the way that it should. And we will be together forever.

But we’re not there yet. So we are called to live with perseverance. For now, we need to be content where Jesus has placed us. But remember, we won’t be in this house forever. Soon we will be moving out into that perfect brand-new house.

Soon.

I’m beginning the third straight week of working on the new house. In the evenings I come home from work and hustle down to the new house to put in a few hours, trying to get the house ready for us to buy and occupy. This has been a frustrating experience for me. I’m not very good at working with my hands, and I find that I miss my wife and children as I have been away so much. At the same time, this time has been eye-opening to me. In particular, I’m beginning to see all the illustrations of God’s truth that are sitting right in front of me. So, to try to make the best use of this experience, I will be writing about these thoughts, using this current experience of house-building as the springboard for these thoughts. I have a few articles lined up already, and, if I think of more, I’ll write them down too.